This is a long post and if I lose you it's okay, but I think it's worth it!
Yesterday was a pretty interesting day. I had a fantabulous morning and afternoon. The hubs and I got up, lingered over breakfast, took a walk, I didn't shower or brush my hair, or change out of pajamas. I went to hang at a friend's house and in that time of hanging out a huge prayer was answered. I've been praying for more Christian women near me to hang out with. See we've moved to a new town recently and until we found a church in our new town I was always kind of lost for friends. I tried my best to maintain every single friendship I had back home but eventually I realized, people have lives and can't commit so much time to emailing and talking on the phone. So I prayed, God help me to find new friends here, women I connect with who aren't interested in only talking about baby stuff. That was another fear of mine...once you become a mom you aren't allowed to speak about anything other than diapers, poop, and naptime. But alas! God answered my prayer and I spent a lovely few hours in laughter, conversation, warmth, and snacks! I've been nervous about how women go from no kids to suddenly having a family and what that looks like for your social life, and for me I feel like God is really helping me understand...Yes relationships change, situations change, but you're not only a mom, and other moms desire these types of friendships too. So long story short I spent time praying yesterday to God about filling this void, and answering my desire for Christian women around me, and amazingly He did, like He always does!
After that wonderful afternoon the hubs and I went to the mall, watched the Country American Idol tryouts, ate pizza from Costco, and racked up on some great sales! The hubs got a few items (he's lost some weight and none of his clothes fit he claims) and I scored some new boots! I was stoked about the boots because shoe size is one thing that doesn't change during pregnancy, so I'll be able to wear these bad boys for a while! After all that, we came home relaxed, looked up a few things online and started settling down for bed. For whatever IDIOTIC reason! And let me stress this...IDIOTIC! I decided to look something up online regarding my allergies. I've always had horrible allergies but pregnancy has made them 10 times worse. I constantly sneeze, so much that I use t-shirts to wipe my nose, not tissue so I won't risk looking like a Red Butt Monkey with cling-ons. If I'm not sneezing I'm stuffed up and sound like an old man. So back to my internet search. "Cures for Pregnancy Allergies"--while I didn't find a cure I did discover that it's not safe to take Allegra while pregnant. Huh? Not safe, what do you mean not safe? And then it started. I probably spent over 2 full hours online trying to figure out what the hell happens if you take Allegra while pregnant. Because I take it. I've taken it every single day for the last 18 months until today ( I stopped today!). When I couldn't find anything that realllly said it's okay to take the Allegra the waterworks started, and for an hour I bawled. I haven't cried so hard in so long. I kept asking my husband, did the midwife say I can take Allegra? I thought she said I could? No hunnie, she told you not to take it. I just cried and cried while my poor husband tried to reassure me and comfort me. I cried and cried til my face swole all up and I looked like I'd been stung in both eyes by wasps. Hunnie you're fine, the baby's gonna be okay he kept saying. But inside here's what I felt: why did my comfort come before the health of my unborn baby? Why am I so selfish? I'm a failure. I didn't listen to my midwife. And I'm disappointing my husband, and everyone else who is excited about this unborn child. I'm letting people down. My baby's gonna be an alien. But I'm still gonna love it. My baby's gonna die before I get to meet it. My baby's gonna die right after it's born. And I am careless, and I should have researched every. single. thing I let come within 10 feet of my pregnant body! It was bad y'all, our poor dog was not even coming near me to comfort me she was too scared of my stung-by-a-wasp eyes.
When I finally calmed down my husband said let's just call the midwife. What? Call the midwife? Of course we could call the midwife! Although it was close to midnight at this point this was an amazing idea. But I didn't wanna bother her. Our midwife is amazing y'all. I know she prays for us and loves us and is so excited for us. She really puts our best interests and the interests of every woman and family who comes to her first. So while I was tempted to call I emailed instead. I told her my worry, what should I do? Can you believe she emailed me back within 30 minutes? I was told don't worry there's nothing else I can do from here. Stop taking the Allegra, like I told you before, but there's nothing you can do from here. And then the last line of her email...God is in control. See that's amazing to me to have the person handling the details of my pregnancy tell me that. How comforting and reassuring to rest in the fact that I'm not in control, but God is. I finished reading the email and was finally able to go to sleep. I tossed and turned some but everytime I woke up I reminded myself...God is in control. During the night it snowed, beautiful, white, and pure. It was like He was washing away the night for me. A clean slate to start a new day, and a new trust in Him. Trust me I felt Him saying, it's going to be okay, I'm here. Trust me.
When I woke this morning, I got up early because I wanted to leave extra early for work due to the snow and possible iced over roads. Oh yeah, I also had to figure out how to fix my face, my eyes weren't as swollen but my eyes were so blood-shot it appeared I'd been taking bong hits all night. My face was also pretty swollen like a lil' chubby kid who ate lots of Chinese food. I quickly got ready and something was nagging at me...I need to read my evotional! I realized I'd forgotten to read my evotional from the day before. My awesome day yesterday started out so awesome I forgot to spend time with my evotional. For me, when I read my evotional it's a piece of Scripture that I always feel like resonates with me throughout the day. I try to memorize a few each week, and it's something I can always go back to during the day if I'm facing a difficult task or even if I just want to be reminded of how great God is. Damnit I said to myself, I forgot my evotional yesterday so oh well I'll just read yesterday's today. So I get my computer go to my evotional and the Scripture pierced my heart...not in a bad way but this sense of calm that said, I told you so, you should've read this yesterday.
"I will bless the LORD who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me. I know the LORD is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me." Psalms 16:7-8
Could you imagine how different the night before would have been if I had this Scripture to turn to? I'm not saying I wouldn't have had a major freakout or anything, but I would have been comforted and I would have trusted God not myself. I would have known I can't be shaken, God is with me, He's right beside me. David wasn't shaken because He knew the presence of God was with him. My night wouldn't have been such a wreck if I allowed the presence of God to be with me. God is always there, but we don't always allow Him into our lives. So for me, I know my days always seems off if I'm not recognizing the presence of God. I'm sharing this to keep myself accountable. So I don't forget to read my evotionals, it's not really forgetting more or less it's that I find time for other things than Him. So here's my challenge to myself...What can I remove from my daily routine to spend more time with Him? Maybe I just need to wake up a little earlier!
Time in the Word is amazing and life changing and I desire it and need it. Thank you God that even when I try to resist you, you always pull me back in!
Have a good rest of the weekend y'all!