Sunday, December 18, 2011


So I'm actually pretty pissed that noone ever bothered to tell me that one of the effects of pregnancy is constipation. Sure I heard about morning sickness, headaches, tiredness (none of these did I ever experience thankfully!). But full on constipation, nope never heard a single word about it!
Dear friends who already have children, thanks for telling me! (b**ches!, jk, sorta)
Okay let me back up a little bit. No pun intended.
Before I got pregnant I had a morning routine...wake up, lay in bed, think about my day, get outta bed, then drink coffee (made by my dad, then later my husband, because when I make coffee it looks like something dug up outta the yard with hot water poured on it, and tastes equally bad). I'm definitely a morning person, and I thoroughly enjoy my morning routine. Even though I used to start work at the buttcrack of dawn, I still love mornings. Back to my routine. About 3/4 of the way through my cup of coffee I'd feel it. The sweet sensation of something brewing in my tummy. A little tickle. But I knew my morning was off to a great start. I'd make my way to the toilet and let it all out. I achieved complete satisfaction knowing that my entire days worth of eating from the day before was completely outta me. It was like a clean slate you know? Can't start the day holding on to anything from yesterday, ANYTHING! Ahhh so there I was for so many wonderful years, clean slate every morning. I love pooping so much that when I got married my husband and I frequently shared our poop stories, oh and sometimes we even didn't flush, just to compare poops. If that's not love I don't know what is?
Upon getting pregnant my morning routine pretty much changed overnight. One morning I woke up and didn't feel that urge. Maybe it was the lack of caffeine, but whatever it was I had to get relief!
I consulted the internet and talked to everyone I possibly could. I tried the powdery orange stuff for people who wear Depends and are 100 years old. I tried Bran Flakes, eating extra fiberous foods (which was awesome when I still didn't poop, because then I just woke up looking like I was 8 months pregnant. every. single. day.). I tried extra water ( I think at one point I was up to 16 glasses a day ( so I managed to look like an 8 month pregnant fish!). No relief at all! When I finally did feel that little tickle in my tummy...I'd shout THERE'S A PARTY IN MY TUMMY!, and run to the bathroom. I'd be so excited, it's the moment I've waited for all week! I'd push and grunt, there'd be so much air coming outta my tush I'd swear I could power a hot air balloon...and then when it was all said and done, I'd sneak a peek between my legs (IF YOU TRY TO ACT LIKE YOU DON'T DO THIS AFTER POOPING, YOU'RE A LIAR! EVERYONE DOES IT! BUT YOU CAN TRY TO TELL YOURSELF YOU DON'T IF IT HELPS YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT!) And there in my toilet would be nothing more than 2 or 3 little marble sized pellets. So all that work for this little pay off!...yep this is definitely not working for me after 15 weeks!
I would whine and whine about my problem to my husband but much to my dismay he would leave his poops in the toilet just to rub it in my face!!!
So I finally found the perfect relief and I'm going to share it with you all now. For free. No need to buy a book, or talk to a doctor, here's what worked for me. I cut my prenatal vitamins in half and take one in the morning, and one at night. I eat a Fiber One bar before bed (any flavor is fine). And I promise in the morning, your colon will be clean as a whistle.
That's all for now, I'm off to eat my Fiber Bar and head to bed!

No comments:

Post a Comment